It's been quite a while since I wrote an update on this blog. So much was happening in the world that I didn't know what to say. There has been so much stress and change and heartbreak and loss in the last 14 months. I simply accepted that COVID-19 meant that everything would pause in my life without considering what it meant for me to have a freeze response to everything. I've been trying to get back on the ball the past few weeks, and I've done okay. However, something happened in the last couple of weeks that reminded me of how little time I have on this planet and gave me a sense of urgency to live my life.
The long-short of it was that something reminded me that I am very, very mortal... I have been coming to terms with my mortality and have been struck by the horror of the unfairness in the world. If I died today, what would my obituary say? My husband and I made jokes about it, how I would want him to leave out every accomplishment I've ever made in favor of listing my favorite animes and making my Spotify playlists public. We laughed at ideas of what kind of jewelry my ashes might be pressed into or what pattern would be painted on my urn.
More and more, it feels my only outlet for this fear is to talk about it and laugh because if I were to die today or tomorrow or the day after, my life would be such a senseless chain of events. No one would really believe all the things I've survived. I could never write an autobiography because they'd place it in the fiction section or call me a liar. I honestly don't believe my life myself. I want to wake up without memories; I fantasize about it. Why should I be so burdened with hardship and the memories of it? People praise me for being so strong, but I am not who I could be if my past didn't drag me down.
So, if I were to pass away, these are the things I want to be known for...
I love art and music so much, and it never mattered that I wasn't stellar. I spent every minute I could on dusty roads and empty piers alone singing my heart out.
Once I was one of the all-time top Halsey listeners on Spotify, like, in the top 0.1%. I love her music so much.
I wrote some hilarious essays in my day, especially about anime.
Once, someone told me that my article on my mental illness was hung up on their bedroom wall because it meant so much to them, and I am glad I made a difference.
I've had four or five people tell me that I saved their life by sitting with them at lunch, and I am so happy that I could ease their pain.
I've become a glossary of obscure magical girl anime, and that's cool to me.
I finally learned how to make a delicious steak, and although I feel terrible about eating meat after 8 years as a vegetarian, a butter-basted steak with egg and mushroom is low-key worth losing my morals.
For the first time in my life, I'd say I'm on good terms with my entire childhood family, and it makes me so happy I could cry when my mom calls me her little egg.
On my last birthday at University in 2020, I had a beautiful collection of friends at my side, and when I asked them to tell me their favorite memory of time with me, they all had something to say that brought me tears. I couldn't have been blessed with a better set of friends.
So, that's it. I have no interest in ever being anything more than someone who loved and was loved. I'll scoff at anyone who praises me for anything besides my cooking, hobbies, humor, and affection after I die.